Ambien. No doubt about it.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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