theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
