mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
