apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
