i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
