Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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