she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
