How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
