yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
