We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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