Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
