and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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