Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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