Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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