It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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