I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
