Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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