I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
