Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
