she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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