New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
