What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
