i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
