I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
