I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
