New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
