it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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