He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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