just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
