One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
