I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
