Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
