You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
