God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
