If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
