you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
