i just had sex bonerless
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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