I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
