You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
