You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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