Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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