My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
