At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
