Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
