So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
