There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
