Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
