She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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