Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
