I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
